I don't know exactly when it happened, may be sometime after 10-ish months, but I finally felt like I had a groove going on. Cap could do more, express more, and I loved being part of his every day life. I also was figuring out how to be a mom, a wife, daughter, friend, etc while the "mom" thing took most of my time and energy. Bryce and I were in a good groove of taking turns going on runs or doing whatever we wanted to spend some time doing.
Once Cap hit a year and started walking things really started to change. It was also beginning to be spring. The sun was out and we were having beautiful weather. In between naps, we would often wonder down to the lake and throw rocks, play in the front yard and watch the occasional car go by, or even take walks to the farm and see the animals. I was physically feeling a lot better, which helped a ton. The smell of newness was in the air. The scents of new life and change were just what my family needed.
So then lots of things happened. Cap and I spent 2 weeks in Texas while Bryce finished to school and moved our car and whatever fit inside to Colorado Springs. We spent a week there before flying out to Kenya. Then we were in Kenya for a month. We came back to our new home in Colorado Springs just to turned around and be evacuated due to the fires this past summer. We finally got settled back into our home, and the reality of still not being pregnant started to really eat at me.
Though I felt a lot better, I still wasn't 100%. I kept wondering if there was something may be wrong and that was preventing pregnancy from happening. I also started to doubt whether or not we should have anymore kids. For many reasons, the thought of Cap being an only child made me sick to my stomach. Growing up with 3 brothers I always pictured myself with many kids and a house full of fun and laughter and love. I also was very sad about not knowing with Cap that there would be no more. Even the things I didn't "love", I was sad I didn't know it would all be over and I wasn't going to have another chance.
But then there was a part of me that thought if we couldn't get pregnant, and we were done having kids, then we would just be that much closer to doing some things with Cap that we have talked about since before he was even born. Quicker to the adventures Bryce and I used to have. We would be only a couple of summers away from taking Cap on some serious outings!
So I found myself torn and wondering how did I really feel about having kids and being a mom and giving myself up for someone so small and curious. Wondering if I really "loved" it like other moms. The longer it festered inside the more short and impatient I got with Cap. The more short and impatient I got with Cap, the worse it festered inside.
Right after I got pregnant with Cap, I started having chronic Sinus Congestion. It was bad enough that it prevented me from sleeping and getting the rest I needed at night. I had been so exhausted for so long that I finally just broke. I let myself sit there and cry. I said all the stuff out loud that had been bothering my insides so bad for so long. I talked as Bryce listened to my heart or at least the words I could make out of it all.
I said out loud this past summer that I was only going to give it 2 more months of trying. We really felt like the Lord was wanting us to have more kids, but I just couldn't keep doing it.
At the end of the 2 months, it hit me. It wasn't really about my hard days being a mom. It wasn't about not knowing what to do with my kid everyday, or about my body not healing the way it should. But what is WAS about, was God's will.
Did I want to follow Him no matter what? Would I continue walking out what he told me to start with (children) even though it didn't look like what I wanted it to? If it took 10 years for us to get pregnant, would I still try because He asked us to? What hurt the most, was that my first answer was no. I didn't want to be 40 and having another baby. I didn't want my kids to be years apart. I was mad at myself for feeling the way I did, but at last I hit the core of my issues. The center of my struggles.
Now that I knew what it was, I could let it go. The hardest part was somehow over. Somewhere in the middle of it all, I became overwhelmed with peace. I know God's will is good. I know I want what He wants because it is the best! I don't believe God forces His will on you. He gives you the opportunity to follow Him. I don't believe if it is His will it just happens. He will not force me to do His will. I don't believe God was withholding more children from us, but I do believe the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. BUT the enemy will not win, he will NOT prevail.
"Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him."Psalm 127:3
"Be fruitful and multiply" Genesis1:28
"For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right." Psalm 84:11
"Then Esau looked at the women and children and asked, "Who are these people with you?"
"These are the children God has graciously given to me, your servant," Jacob replied. Genesis 33:5
"How joyful are those who fear the Lord - all who follow his ways! You will enjoy the fruit of your labor. How joyful and prosperous you will be! Your wife will be like a fruitful grapevine, flourishing within your home. Your children will be like vigorous young olive trees as they sit around your table. That is the Lord's blessing for those who fear him." Psalm 128:1-6
to be continued...
