The coming of Cap and God calling our hearts is quite a beautiful story. In the midst of warfare, death, new beginnings, exhaustion, dreaming...He was whispering to us. He was preparing our hearts for different adventures, new desires, and a fresh faith. It is a long, yet short story, but that part of the story is not the objective of this posting. I guess this posting is like another love story. The kind of story you buy because the book cover and the quick thumbing of the pages is just-that-captivating. Once you start to read the book, you realize it is much more than the smart looking cover and good one-liners you read in the store. You are now investing your time and yourself to something much bigger than reading a few chapters a day.
Marriage is hard. It didn't take me long to realize that a God-centered marriage was going to be something you have to work on daily. The thing that really shocked me about marriage, is how the ugly in the deepest depths of you, you thought didn't exist, can come out. You always hear people say about their significant other, "Oh, he/she brings the best out of me". Well, true. Definitely true. I would also say he/she can bring the worst out in you. I know in the 4 1/2 years Bryce and I have been married I have said some things and done things that shocked me. I had no idea I had that stuff in me!
Over the last month, God has been really speaking to me through gardening. It started out in Colorado helping Joyce with her beds at the house. I love beautiful flowers and gardens and would be so happy with flower pots all over the place bursting with colors. Every spring I plant and organize flowers with where we are living. I get everything right where I want it according to how much sun each one needs, get it looking pretty, and then walk away and barely touch it. I forget about the daily, weekly, and monthly maintenance that has to happen if you want beautiful flowers and gardens. I pick the hundreds of weeds at the beginning of the season and get kind of upset a month later when they are everywhere once again! If you want something beautiful to grow, it takes some things for that to happen. Planting a seed is great, but it needs more than that. Bringing the plant home is great, but it doesn't stop there. For something beautiful to grow takes time, yourself, checking in, fertilizing, pruning, weeding, loving, watering, paying attention to the surroundings. Windy days dry out my hanging pots, which means I need to water them more when it is like that.
All of that brings me to my next thing. Marriage. Cap is like a new marriage. Actually, I can't think of the word right now, but he like one of those pre-determined marriages that you don't know each other yet kind of thing. Let me try to explain this a little.
When I started this marriage with Bryce just like when I started marriage out with God, it was a little awkward. We weren't always dancing to the same song or even the same dance. Sometimes I would accidentally step on his toe or try to lead when I should have been following. As the song continues it becomes more graceful. We flow back and forth calmly and smoothly. He can give me the look and I know I should twirl. Sometimes I break into a side crazy girl dance but he knows now how to keep the beat and bring me back in on the right count. There is a great dance going on and we are learning every day how to add new moves and steps and add a little more funk and spice to what we already know.
I guess with Cap, we have those amazing days where we dance and dance to different songs together, laugh and play, I set him on the toilet he goes, he looks across the room at me and giggles and smiles. Then we have those days where I have poop on my pants, the music is way too loud and static-y, Cap's not happy, I am exhausted, and our dance is not so pretty. You can be a good parent, and your kids will still cry. In fact, you are probably a good parent if your kids cry if that makes any sense.
Through several circumstances and events over the last couple of weeks (or since I started writing this on September 16) , I was given permission to let myself fall apart. It was okay to have some of the feelings I was having and let myself cry. I feel like I have great bits of wisdom for first time mommas out there, and may be just for mommas in general, but what I have learned this month has been ever so helpful to this new life as a mother. It has brought me back to the place dancing with my Father, right where I need to be. We must spend time together on the dance floor so that we can move ever so gracefully to the rhythm of new tunes that will inevitably come our way. I want to look at new music and instruments with great expectation not fear. I know in the arms of God, with His hand firmly on my back, this dance will be beautiful and one that does not want to be missed.
I have fun pictures coming later on and big stuff going on in the Ball household to share later also.
