Fear and Side Effects

I have written and deleted and written and deleted, time after time after time. Usually I can round up the right words and formulate what my insides are trying to say. It has now been 8 weeks of trying and still I am left with all these things to say and share yet I stare at this blank page (or at least it was blank).

I am finding myself very cautious at what I say. I want it to be true, clear, pure, right. I also want it to be raw, vulnerable, naked, honest.

A miraculous healing DID take place. When I saw my neurologist a couple of months back, her face said it all. She looked at me in awe. She kept saying she expected me to be much different (worse off) than what I was and am (healed).

"Why do you look for the living among the dead?" I am a child of God, an heir to the kingdom, a daughter to the King, the bride of Christ...don't expect death when He came to give full life. Don't accept bad knees when he has told you 'you will scale walls'.

When I first came home, I was totally oblivious to everything that had happen and was happening. My son was screaming in the middle of the night scared we weren't going to be there in the morning. I would wake up to my husband checking my pulse. Family and friends were emotional and lots of tears were being shed. Nothing made sense to me. Why were things not normal? What had happened? This was not how I had envisioned kid 2's arrival looking like.

Fear and Side Effects...

Then the side effect speeches started. Every appointment I heard them. Doctors doing their job, yet telling you what you should fear even when there isn't a thing you can do about it in the natural world.

"Well, surely you are done having kids. You pretty much shouldn't have any more. Too high risk. Not enough information out there anyways. Most people who go through what you have just don't try. Oh, and since you have to be on particular meds your birth control is limited."

"Your levels still aren't where they need to be. If they don't get better by next time, you will be on these meds for LIFE. Oh, side effects may include: fatigue, cold hands, dizziness, loss of sex drive, depression, loss of appetite, weakness or lack of coordination,  blah, blah, blah, etc."

It all went from this simple yet extravagant healing and restoration to this realization and even some fear that I am mortal. I knew this. We all do, but it seriously hit me...we are all mortal. I could go to sleep and not wake up. You start thinking of the what ifs and these thought bombs start coming in attacking full force like you are in the middle of a war.

The more questions I asked about the Great Nap, the more answers I had. The more answers, the more I realized the part of me that likes to control everything, was not liking this.

Yes, I was grateful to be alive and with my family. But in it would come...Really, 31 years old, healthy woman and my husband was going to be widowed and my kids be raised with no mother all because of what exactly??? 

My Anger...

I ran through every emotion, but it was simply being mad that I found myself the most. Not mad or angry with God or with someone in particular, but mad I lost time. Mad I lost memories. Mad of what almost happened. Mad everyone had to go through this and yet I didn't understand. Mad at all sorts of things, including the enemy.

Even with my anger and realization of my mortality, I was not scared or afraid. From January until the birth of Tuolumne, I was on a very intentional journey on renewing my mind and filling it up with God's promises. Even though it helped us SO MUCH during labor and delivery, it had prepared us for the Great Nap. God did NOT cause the Nap, but in His goodness He had prepared and equipped us for what was coming.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27

Death has LOST its sting on me. I do NOT fear death. It has no power over me and it will NOT control or lead me on this life journey I am on. I am a follower of Jesus' teachings and filled with His Holy Spirit.

"You shall seek those who contend with you but you shall not find them; those who war against you shall be nothing at all. For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Fear not, I am the One who helps you."" Isaiah 41:12-13

"The Lord is my light and my salvation whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1

All and Always...

I am not a miracle or healing expert, but I do know God's will is ALWAYS healing, ALWAYS wholeness, ALWAYS health. It doesn't always work out pretty. Nice people die, family members get cancer, and car wrecks sometimes happen.

God CAN and DOES use these terrible situations to bring honor and glory to His name and to draw His children to Him. However, I don't think it means you "bow down" to the terrible and tragic events in your life and the awful things that surround you. God did not cause the "bad thing" to happen. It does NOT need to be part of your story. We need to stand up and fight!

We need to be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that we can take our stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

We need to put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, we may be able to stand our ground, and after we have done everything, to stand!

God is ALL knowing and ALL powerful and ALL good! The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. God's plan IS abundant, FULL life. We need to speak those blessings OUT not the many curses that we subtly lay out and about for the enemy to take hold of. There is a lot of power in the things we say. Small things and big things. 

Consider ships. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. 

the Now...

I am a woman who requires a little more sleep than others. Always have. So right now, I am still in the catch up and tired stage of "mom-hood". I am looking forward to when Tuolumne gets 12 straight hours like Cap, but happy we only wake up once to eat and then back to sleep. We will get there soon I know.

I wish I could say everyday we all wake up happy to be alive, with each other, and in good moods....but the truth is some days are just not so awesome. Sometimes I (or rather the kid 2) manages to get poop in my slipper, on the bed, and on my pants and it sums ups our moment. Other times we watch the sun rise all together from our living room and stare in amazement at all the variations of pink and orange that God has made. Sometimes we all laugh until our bellies hurt at the funny things Cap is doing or saying at that time.

More than anything right now, we are trying to be the salt of the earth. A light in the world. We are trying to seek Him and His righteousness. We are seeking mentors and those we can disciple. We are trying to teach and love our kids like crazy. We have a wild and dangerous family. I don't know what each of us will "do" one day, but we are focusing on the "who we will be".  

4 Month

4 Months and some change! We have had a crazy October around here. We moved houses, had lots of different out of town visitors, partially flooded new house, and now our place has become a small construction zone to repair the water damage. A busy few weeks for sure!!!

We are exhausted, but doing great. The girl was sleeping so good at our old place and hasn't gotten back since we moved here. However, lots of things are different and there are still things that need to be done to help the sleep thing out. We will get there soon!

4 month tricks!

- you laugh the best with Cap...good belly laughs!

- act like you are starving and freak out when you know tata's are about to come out

- eats every 3 hours during the day, rarely longer like you used to

- you like to put your arms over your eyes when you are sleeping on your back

- can have huge meltdowns when you are overly tired or too stimulated

- you stare and drool at every bite of food that goes into any of our mouths

- people often comment on your cheeks and how they love chubby babies

- you sleep SO GOOD in the ergo

- sitting in the Bumpo has changed your world, you love it!

- bedtime has moved closer to 7-ish 

- you keep trying very had to get your bullet back in your mouth

- you love being close...so do I

- 18.5 lbs. 

You are a beautiful baby who is growing up quickly! We love watching you grow and watching more of your personality come out. We speak so many blessings over you Tuolumne, including FREEDOM and BEAUTY! Thank you for teaching all of us and for the many smiles you bring into our home.

3 months

I must say, 3 months, wow! It has been another fast month around here. I still think the saying is true...the seconds can seem like years and the years seconds.

This month was fun. I felt more like my "with it" self again. Example, I know she grew this month. Sounds weird I know, but the first 2 months even though I knew she must have grown, I couldn't see it. I was still too out of it and too exhausted.

Here are some new tricks and stats for this little wildflower:

- 9 months if it has snaps
- we switched to size medium on our pre-folds (this should be her final size, it last longer) (well, assuming she is in undies like Cap was so early)
- rolled over this past week, so before she hit 3 months
- super strong and has really great head control for her age
- pretty sure her eyes will be more of a dark green
- loves to sleep on her belly
- has had several of these crying episodes that are just terrible! but i think i have figured out the "why"...she is a sleepy head and does not like to miss her sleep. she gets very angry about it and it is not a pretty sight.
- only wakes up once to eat at night. between 3:30 and 4:30. awesome!
- final feeding at night around 7:45 ( so a great stretch in between, then back to sleep till 7:30 or so in the morning)
- definitely knows when mom and dad aren't around
- laughed out loud, but only once, and for me!!! this made me feel very special
- very smiley but not into silly if that makes sense
- seems to have a more serious personality, gets the full picture and takes it in
- still stares and smiles at Cap
- had her first trip to the zoo...she pretty much slept:)
- loves to be in the sink with water
- she is awesome!

2 in a half

A couple of recent quotes from Capitan:

"Mom, is she going to take your tata off?"...referring to Tuolumne eating.

"Did you grow her bullet in your belly?"...referring to her Nuk which we call Bullet.

Cap is 2 1/2 years old today! He has seemed so much older lately. I thought a little update would be good.

- a rough 32 pounds

- still in 3T tops, but can still fit 2T bottoms

- still plays with trucks everyday

- loves being outside, playing in rocks, dirt, sand, etc.

- NEEDS our attention CONSTANTLY

- when he looks out and sees a big hill or mountain, he says something like "I am going to get ropes and go rock climbing with daddy over on those big rocks over there."

- extremely busy and energetic

- smart, ask a MILLION great questions every day

- talks and talks and talks

- after sleeping every night with a fan or noise maker on since the day he was born, he now refuses to have one on. we are not sure, but something triggered this when i came home in july.

- likes to do whatever we are doing

- lives dangerously

- very social, and also socially deprived right now!!! 

- has been into playing doctor lately, and using a hammer to check reflexes

- when he gets hurt, he doesn't really want anyone most of the time. just needs to have some time to get over the incident.

- had his first bloody nose a week or so ago after face planting at the park

- would sit all day and listen to us read books to him if we had the stamina to do so!

- wants to play hide and seek

- he has a tender heart

- he also has been in lots of time outs since i came home. it has been better this week, but it has been rough some days. 

- argues and argues

- likes to walk right on the line

- is so excited to move into a big boy bed next week when we move!

- keeps asking me every day if he is big enough for gum now

- started to have great conversations with grandparents on the phone recently

Cap you are strong and courageous; bold and confident! You are so silly and full of personality. Thank you for who you are and for teaching us many things! I am so proud to be your mom. I love you!

 We have out grown our tub!!! Can't wait for a real bath tub at our new rent house!

Loves to bake with us!

 Lining them all up because they are all done working!

 Showing us where we are rock climbing in the guide book

 He did amazing on our last hike!!! Carried his own backpack for the first time!

 Giving us lots of belly pics lately!!! Who knows??

 Awesome technique already if you ask me

 and the belly

 wiped after a long morning of hiking and climbing. 

fell asleep with a rock and pine cone in hand

Eyes Open

Ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be open to you.

Cap started talking, and I mean TALKING, between 18 - 19 months. He said little things here and there. We used a lot of sign language to communicate before speaking our words. From the time he was using words, we started to teach him to "keep his eyes open". It was at a time where he became quite demanding in what he wanted to see...mostly tractors...and so we began to teach him all the great things you can see with open eyes. This cut out his demands quickly, and turned everything into an adventure. 

Our backyard is one of those adventures. Every time we move, we wonder how it could get any better. Each move it does. When moving to Colorado Springs, even though we were very much looking forward to it and felt led to do so, we felt we would be loosing part of ourselves by moving to a "city". We didn't envision ourselves growing and raising kids in a neighborhood with houses and fences etc.

After dinner last night, Cap and I went for a walk. I asked him where he wanted to go. He said, "I want to run up the big hill and see what we can see." We held hands and talked and he told me he likes going on walks. I knew he liked being outside since he was born. It calmed him as an infant and it has been used to grow him now as a toddler. But I think it hit me, that he REALLY LIKES the outdoors. My heart felt so full at that moment.

As I noticed the beautiful clouds over Pike's Peak, Cap noted that there were no trucks working behind the Safeway. I was looking out in the mountains wondering how I would get from one peak to another and Cap was asking why there was a big slab of concrete on top of the hill and if the dirt lot down below was a pond. 

We are asking, seeking, and knocking for 'much'. We are keeping our eyes open in anticipation of good things and full life. 

Enjoy!

Cap exploring the backyard! Finding ripe raspberries!

Finding apples off the tree too!

This is one of the rabbit's home in the far back corner 

of the yard. 

2 Month

- 14 lbs...whoa!
- you started to try to laugh around 6ish weeks
- you get lots of hugs and kisses from Cap
- you always smile when your brother is around, you even smile at his big pic in the living room
- putting you in the living room at night has been great for all of us, the first time we did it you had your first 7 hour stretch
- you have had a great start to EC'ing
- you sometimes rub my arm, almost intentionally, as I hold you with your head on my shoulder rubbing your back. I LOVE this.
- you still have the biggest cheeks ever!
- you still very much like your sleep (thank goodness!!!) but you are very alert now. I am trying more intentionally about putting you down before you get over tired, but still trying to be a little noisy around you so you will be able to sleep easily in different environments (unlike Cap).
- had your first tears...not many though, at 6 weeks and 1 day old. We were driving out to a waterfall and you just decided you were done being in the car seat.
- you really don't cry or get worked up about things very often.
- you keep trying to talk to us, which also started around 6 weeks old.
- still clinch your hands together
- you can still wear some 3 month clothes if they don't snap at the crotch.
- when riding in the Ergo, you squirm and squirm and get yourself in all sorts of contorted positions until finding just the right position to fall asleep. It is usually very awkward!

Tuoly is taking everything in. She is easy going, loves to sleep most of the time, and a very content baby. She fits right into our family perfectly! Cap is amazing with her. He talks to her, gives LOTS of kisses and hugs, and gets her to smile TONS.  After the shock (for me anyways) of having your first baby, you can throw in a second one and hardly miss a beat. We waited a little while for you Tuolumne and we are so glad you are growing along with us. You are beautiful and free!

Enjoy!

A Few Less Diapers

If you have been around our family since we have had Cap you already know we do infant potty training. This is also called Elimination Communication or what we call EC. I will not go into great detail about this since I already have in the past. I am pretty sure you can search it on our blog and all sorts of old post will come up. We are HUGE fans of this method and had Cap in full time undies at 12 months old (not that we didn't have some misses after that, especially in Kenya!)

We started EC'ing with Cap at 4 weeks old. We started with Tuolumne at 6 weeks and 2 days old. Later with her since I was busy with the Great Nap and Bryce obviously had other stuff going on besides potty training a newborn! We started pretty leisurely with it, but had 1 catch every day for 4 or 5 days straight. Then we had a couple of days where we had a couple of catches each day.

Then she started staying dry from about 8 or 8:30pm until 2:00am. I always said I would NOT EC at night! The thought of breastfeeding and taking a kid potty in the middle of the night did not sound at all appealing to me. But waiting for your kid to pee and poop in a diaper so you can change it and go back to sleep seemed more silly to me than putting your less than 2 month old on the potty at 2 am. Make sense?

Here are a few things to note about you Tuolumne:
- you give lots of cues you need to go unlike Cap who went more on timing
- if you are in a good deep sleep, you will always wake up dry
- if you are squirming and uncomfortable while sleeping you will be wet
- you like getting kisses after you go in the potty
- sometimes you take awhile to go, Cap would go quick

We still clean lots of diapers, and she doesn't go every time she is on the potty! We are just in the beginning stages of communicating with each other. As a bonus, even though our cloth diapering system is easy, I still love having 1 less diaper to clean!