Snow and Texas

Cap and I flew to Texas before he turned 2 and had to start paying for a seat. The weekend before we left we got a great snowy day to play in. We really haven't had too many snows that were worthy of sledding. But this one was! I was so excited for Cap to try it out. He of course had tons of fun! Riding down the hill with him was one of my favorite parts of the day. We both just laughed and laughed all the way down.  

Once we got to Texas we could take off our down coats and put on our chacos pretty much! We had one day in the mid-80's! Here are some cute pictures of Cap with his cousin Leo. Leo wants to do what Cap is doing. Cap wants to do what Leo is doing. It is fun to watch them interact. 

Cap isn't so sure about Leo getting into his personal space:)

We had a little early birthday party for Cap. Small and simple. He was excited to play at the park and eat a cupcake! We had lots of fun. It took Cap so long to eat his cupcake that the other kids were back to playing. So we did gifts at the house after dinner.  

He really liked throwing the tissue paper and being silly with Ma!

He got lots of fun stuff, but this was the most exciting for him. He always plays with the ones at Target, but we never had one. He took off around the house immediately.

I had to add these next 2 pics. Christmas Story all the way!

He was too cute in his goodwill snow suit!!!

I mean that little bum is hilarious!

My little character of a son

Cap's personality has quite blossomed over the last month or so. He is such a character. We have been kept in stitches with his funny conversations and the silly things he has been up to. He has been testing his limits both physically and with us, but we don't take is personal. Each new stage has new yes's and new no's and he is trying to figure out what those are. Especially in our "I'll do it" place we are in:)

6 years ago today I married my beloved. I remember thinking to myself before Bryce that I will probably never get married. I had my list of traits that I desired in a husband and it was not going to be easy to find the guy who fit. I knew for certain by going back to Yosemite for ministry I surely would never find my husband there. One of the first new people I met on arriving back was Bryce Danger Ball.

I can't stress enough to single women who I talk to the importance of waiting. Waiting for Bryce was the best and hardest thing I did during those years of my life of waiting for my mate. There were times I thought I would never find him, but I am so thankful I heard God's voice telling me "Don't Settle! I have a great gift coming!!!" Things I didn't even know I wanted or needed I have found in my lover. We have had great adventures these past 6 years, and we are trying to figure out how to have more and how to live more dangerously for Him.

Thank you Bryce for waiting for me! Thank you for asking me to grow old with you.

So, now on to some pics of our trip a few weeks ago to Texas. I don't think I will post them all on her today. But just a few that show Cap's personality a little better.

checking out the birds he was hearing

doing some riding

first sidewalk chalk!

Cap's words, "Lining them all up. All done working"

He them lined up but then realized one out of order.

Turned it the other way.

Now...All done working. 

More pics later!

Enjoy!

Terrific Twos

El Cap turned 2 at 11:20 this morning. It has really hit me all of a sudden how big he is getting. Not necessarily physically. Let's me honest, he never really had that whole baby look going on! He always has seemed bigger than his age, but in the last few weeks he "got big".

The older he gets the more I love this little boy of mine. I loved him before he even came to be. I loved him even more the first time I got to hold his fresh out little body. After 2 years of getting to know him, and seeing who he is becoming, I love him even more. More than just love him, I really like him.

Today I let him pick everything we did. Well, I told him we would go to the zoo first, but only because I knew he would want to and not know it was an option. Here was his want list: church, park, tractors (didn't get too specific), library, and black ice cream (chocolate).

So this is what our day kind of looked like.

I asked Cap what he wanted to see at the zoo and he yelled TRACTORS!

I was more than happy to supply at least 15 different construction 

trucks to be working the entire time we were there. 

This was right at the entrance. Hard to get the boy inside after this!

Still looking at trucks! Naming EVERY ONE!

Lots of animals then some bench lunch.

Now helping push the stroller to the restrooms. 

He could not even look at the gorillas because all he could 

see was the gorilla poop! Oh, and their bum cracks! 

Taking a rest on a very big chair.

 Awesome Orangutans playing around on ropes, but my son just sees 

the construction crew on the horizon. Hard to get him to leave this spot.

In between zoo and park, we went to help Bryce with the work van.

It wouldn't start. Then we went to Target to buy this awesome dump 

truck with a gift card from his Uncle Bryce, my brother!

Cap did happy dance in store then didn't take his eyes off of it!

At park, starting the fill up. 

 Letting me know it is getting full. 

 We keep adding for a long time even though it was falling off the sides. 

Took a 2 minute break to ride car.  

Now telling me ALL about it.

Taking a rest. After 45 straight minutes his job is done. 

Then we went to the library where Bryce met us. Read books. Ate a sandwich. Went home for ice creak and cake. We had a blast. I purposely planned a day with just me and Cap. I know he would have enjoyed other kids and friends to come along, but selfishly I just wanted him to myself. I get him most days, but today was different. It wasn't full of things that need to get done, dishes to do, or a schedule to keep. It was just me and him having fun and enjoying the sun ALL DAY! I couldn't have asked for better weather. I was reminded by the end of the day, that Cap needs a new sun hat. And I need a hair cut so my sun hat will fit again!!!

Cap, we are so proud of you. You are strong and courageous and very brave. You are compassionate towards others and I love so many things about you. I can't wait to see you grow another year. I am so blessed to be your mom. Keep exploring and having many adventures! Still let me hold your hand and cuddle with you some too please:) I love you!

Cute conversations

(written almost a month ago, but thanks to no internet on this computer and the iPad being funny on blogger, here it is!)

Cap has been such a character! I don't know if I have mentioned how much he talks, I think I have???, but the boy talks non-stop with us. He doesn't just say words, he speaks in sentences. We get stopped a lot about our talking boy! In the car, Cap will wear you out with all of his talking. He doesn't just talk to talk, he talks to have conversation with you. You have to respond no matter what he saying because he will say it hundred times if he has to just so you will acknowledge what  he is saying.

These are a few cute little conversations we have had recently. I wish I remembered more!


Story 1:
I hear Cap in our closet saying "wipe off, wipe off".

Me: What are you wiping off?

Cap: Kisses.

Me: Well who gave you kisses?

Cap: Jesus!

Me: You don't want to wipe off Jesus' kisses. Those are good kisses!

Cap: (laughing) Wipe off, wipe off!

Story 2:
Every time Cap wakes up in the morning I ask him if he had any dreams. Most of the time he gets really excited and says "Tractors!". One morning I asked him about his dreams and this time he said Jesus.
Me: That must have been a good dream. What was He doing?

Cap: This. (he spread his hands out. we have had several talks with reading our Jesus story
 book how Jesus' hands out means love)

Me: Oh, yes that means love.

Cap: (sad faced) ouchies (pointing to his face).

Me: Yes Jesus did have some ouchies but He is all better!

Cap: Yes. Hmmm. Hmmm.

Story 3:
Dinner time and I get up to get myself some toast. I come back to the table and Cap smiles and says, "Lucky dog!" Now he says lucky dog to a lot of things! Very cute!

Mom Part 4

After the peace came the hard stuff, one thing after another. We finally had a positive pregnancy test. We thought this was our big turn around point. I guess we were wrong if you look at circumstantial events. A week later we had our first miscarriage.

I must say I never felt pregnant. I felt pregnant with Cap before you could even take a pregnancy test. I just knew in my insides. So when we got a positive test, I was a little shocked. So we didn't mourn the lost of a child with this miscarriage. 

We just hurt. We cried. We kept walking. We sang. We gave it to God and kept moving. 

We didn't blame God. We didn't think He "needed an unborn baby" in heaven either. His will is not death, it is LIFE.  

A month later came another positive home test. This time I took the test knowing it would be positive. A week after that, the doctor pregnancy test was negative. We were pretty confused. We didn't know this at the time but you can still have pregnancy hormones in you for up to 6 weeks, giving you false positives. It was hard to believe though. 

We just kept waiting. And waiting. Until finally, I could prove that I was in fact pregnant. This time with a cute little picture of an almost 8 week old baby in my belly. 

I will say, not having full proof made the month go by much faster than with El Cap during those weeks. We are excited beyond words about our growing family. I so enjoyed my pregnancy with Cap and it is the same so far with this one. I really do LOVE this part in my role as a mother. 

So we are a little over halfway and due at the end of June. We didn't find out the sex but are excited for the surprise! 

Sorry for not calling everyone we know. Very hard to do. I hope you understand. This "Mom Series" was supposed to be done by Christmas! Ha! I will move on in post subject now!

Mom Part 3

I don't know exactly when it happened, may be sometime after 10-ish months, but I finally felt like I had a groove going on. Cap could do more, express more, and I loved being part of his every day life. I also was figuring out how to be a mom, a wife, daughter, friend, etc while the "mom" thing took most of my time and energy. Bryce and I were in a good groove of taking turns going on runs or doing whatever we wanted to spend some time doing.

Once Cap hit a year and started walking things really started to change. It was also beginning to be spring. The sun was out and we were having beautiful weather. In between naps, we would often wonder down to the lake and throw rocks, play in the front yard and watch the occasional car go by, or even take walks to the farm and see the animals. I was physically feeling a lot better, which helped a ton. The smell of newness was in the air. The scents of new life and change were just what my family needed.

So then lots of things happened. Cap and I spent 2 weeks in Texas while Bryce finished to school and moved our car and whatever fit inside to Colorado Springs. We spent a week there before flying out to Kenya. Then we were in Kenya for a month. We came back to our new home in Colorado Springs just to turned around and be evacuated due to the fires this past summer. We finally got settled back into our home, and the reality of still not being pregnant started to really eat at me.

Though I felt a lot better, I still wasn't 100%. I kept wondering if there was something may be wrong and that was preventing pregnancy from happening. I also started to doubt whether or not we should have anymore kids. For many reasons, the thought of Cap being an only child made me sick to my stomach. Growing up with 3 brothers I always pictured myself with many kids and a house full of fun and laughter and love. I also was very sad about not knowing with Cap that there would be no more. Even the things I didn't "love", I was sad I didn't know it would all be over and I wasn't going to have another chance.

But then there was a part of me that thought if we couldn't get pregnant, and we were done having kids, then we would just be that much closer to doing some things with Cap that we have talked about since before he was even born. Quicker to the adventures Bryce and I used to have. We would be only a couple of summers away from taking Cap on some serious outings!

So I found myself torn and wondering how did I really feel about having kids and being a mom and giving myself up for someone so small and curious. Wondering if I really "loved" it like other moms. The longer it festered inside the more short and impatient I got with Cap. The more short and impatient I got with Cap, the worse it festered inside.

Right after I got pregnant with Cap, I started having chronic Sinus Congestion. It was bad enough that it prevented me from sleeping and getting the rest I needed at night. I had been so exhausted for so long that I finally just broke. I let myself sit there and cry. I said all the stuff out loud that had been bothering my insides so bad for so long. I talked as Bryce listened to my heart or at least the words I could make out of it all.

I said out loud this past summer that I was only going to give it 2 more months of trying. We really felt like the Lord was wanting us to have more kids, but I just couldn't keep doing it. 

At the end of the 2 months, it hit me. It wasn't really about my hard days being a mom. It wasn't about  not knowing what to do with my kid everyday, or about my body not healing the way it should. But what is WAS about, was God's will. 

Did I want to follow Him no matter what? Would I continue walking out what he told me to start with (children) even though it didn't look like what I wanted it to? If it took 10 years for us to get pregnant, would I still try because He asked us to? What hurt the most, was that my first answer was no. I didn't want to be 40 and having another baby. I didn't want my kids to be years apart. I was mad at myself for feeling the way I did, but at last I hit the core of my issues. The center of my struggles. 

Now that I knew what it was, I could let it go. The hardest part was somehow over. Somewhere in the middle of it all, I became overwhelmed with peace. I know God's will is good. I know I want what He wants because it is the best! I don't believe God forces His will on you. He gives you the opportunity to follow Him. I don't believe if it is His will it just happens. He will not force me to do His will. I don't believe God was withholding more children from us, but I do believe the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. BUT the enemy will not win, he will NOT prevail. 

"Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him."Psalm 127:3

"Be fruitful and multiply" Genesis1:28

"For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right." Psalm 84:11

"Then Esau looked at the women and children and asked, "Who are these people with you?"

"These are the children God has graciously given to me, your servant," Jacob replied. Genesis 33:5

"How joyful are those who fear the Lord - all who follow his ways! You will enjoy the fruit of your labor. How joyful and prosperous you will be! Your wife will be like a fruitful grapevine, flourishing within your home. Your children will be like vigorous young olive trees as they sit around your table. That is the Lord's blessing for those who fear him." Psalm 128:1-6

to be continued...

Mom Part 2

Where was I....oh yes, infancy was not so natural like I thought it would be.

I guess it wasn't awkward, but I just wasn't sure what to do ALL DAY long with a baby who couldn't express himself in way I understood yet. The whole babies just eat, sleep, and poop, is a lie too. May some do? Cap was a great sleep until 4 months old too, but there was still a lot of daylight in between eat, sleep, and pooping.

Between 4-6 months Cap stopped sleeping. Wow, that was rough. He didn't even take naps hardly. We called them capnaps. Short 30 minute things that left him just hard to entertain. At first I didn't care because he was still sleeping through the night, but then that stopped too. At 6 months old, we took him to a friends retirement party and stayed up till close till 9 pm. He woke up almost every hour that night. I was miserable and at my end so I sought some sleep guidance.

After 3 days into sleep training Cap, we had a great schedule going. He was so much happier, he could concentrate again on thing, and I for the first time in a while was enjoying the mom gig. What a difference sleep will make!

Finally a month into it, the thought of another baby didn't make me want to throw up. Up till that point I was scared I might never want to do this again. The way my body was I don't think I was physically able to have another one that soon, but at least the thought didn't make me sick!

I was still having a hard time with my role as a mother. I struggled with whether or not I was good at "it". I also missed doing the things that I loved especially the ones I did with Bryce. By not having kids until I was almost 30, I had a lot of time to do great things "freely". A tight sleep schedule and a breastfed baby doesn't leave a whole lot of "freely" in the day. Going from traveling the world, running ultra-marathons, baptizing friends in the Merced River, climbing mountains, shows at coffee houses, teaching and discipling young adults, to Full Time Caretaker of a little helpless boy was just a tougher transition than I ever expected. Because every time I climbed a mountain or spent my entire morning running, I knew one day I wanted to have children and stay at home with them full time.

So I kept trying to figure out how to have both worlds.

Oh and at 8 months, it hit me that I was ready to have another baby. Crazy I know. In the midst of struggling in my mom role, there will still times of peace. I was ready to have another one to disciple and love on. A couple months later we were able to get into the doctor and have my IUD removed.

Some where around that time, we started waking up at 6. I LOVE mornings, and when Cap came around, well, mornings just weren't the same. I was okay with that, but I needed to find some sort of medium with it all and some time where I could be alone. Well, this is one of the best things we did. Instead of the mystery of not knowing when Cap would declare morning, we declared it first! Time to read, be still, and enjoy the AM a little.

to be continued...