Fear and Side Effects

I have written and deleted and written and deleted, time after time after time. Usually I can round up the right words and formulate what my insides are trying to say. It has now been 8 weeks of trying and still I am left with all these things to say and share yet I stare at this blank page (or at least it was blank).

I am finding myself very cautious at what I say. I want it to be true, clear, pure, right. I also want it to be raw, vulnerable, naked, honest.

A miraculous healing DID take place. When I saw my neurologist a couple of months back, her face said it all. She looked at me in awe. She kept saying she expected me to be much different (worse off) than what I was and am (healed).

"Why do you look for the living among the dead?" I am a child of God, an heir to the kingdom, a daughter to the King, the bride of Christ...don't expect death when He came to give full life. Don't accept bad knees when he has told you 'you will scale walls'.

When I first came home, I was totally oblivious to everything that had happen and was happening. My son was screaming in the middle of the night scared we weren't going to be there in the morning. I would wake up to my husband checking my pulse. Family and friends were emotional and lots of tears were being shed. Nothing made sense to me. Why were things not normal? What had happened? This was not how I had envisioned kid 2's arrival looking like.

Fear and Side Effects...

Then the side effect speeches started. Every appointment I heard them. Doctors doing their job, yet telling you what you should fear even when there isn't a thing you can do about it in the natural world.

"Well, surely you are done having kids. You pretty much shouldn't have any more. Too high risk. Not enough information out there anyways. Most people who go through what you have just don't try. Oh, and since you have to be on particular meds your birth control is limited."

"Your levels still aren't where they need to be. If they don't get better by next time, you will be on these meds for LIFE. Oh, side effects may include: fatigue, cold hands, dizziness, loss of sex drive, depression, loss of appetite, weakness or lack of coordination,  blah, blah, blah, etc."

It all went from this simple yet extravagant healing and restoration to this realization and even some fear that I am mortal. I knew this. We all do, but it seriously hit me...we are all mortal. I could go to sleep and not wake up. You start thinking of the what ifs and these thought bombs start coming in attacking full force like you are in the middle of a war.

The more questions I asked about the Great Nap, the more answers I had. The more answers, the more I realized the part of me that likes to control everything, was not liking this.

Yes, I was grateful to be alive and with my family. But in it would come...Really, 31 years old, healthy woman and my husband was going to be widowed and my kids be raised with no mother all because of what exactly??? 

My Anger...

I ran through every emotion, but it was simply being mad that I found myself the most. Not mad or angry with God or with someone in particular, but mad I lost time. Mad I lost memories. Mad of what almost happened. Mad everyone had to go through this and yet I didn't understand. Mad at all sorts of things, including the enemy.

Even with my anger and realization of my mortality, I was not scared or afraid. From January until the birth of Tuolumne, I was on a very intentional journey on renewing my mind and filling it up with God's promises. Even though it helped us SO MUCH during labor and delivery, it had prepared us for the Great Nap. God did NOT cause the Nap, but in His goodness He had prepared and equipped us for what was coming.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27

Death has LOST its sting on me. I do NOT fear death. It has no power over me and it will NOT control or lead me on this life journey I am on. I am a follower of Jesus' teachings and filled with His Holy Spirit.

"You shall seek those who contend with you but you shall not find them; those who war against you shall be nothing at all. For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Fear not, I am the One who helps you."" Isaiah 41:12-13

"The Lord is my light and my salvation whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1

All and Always...

I am not a miracle or healing expert, but I do know God's will is ALWAYS healing, ALWAYS wholeness, ALWAYS health. It doesn't always work out pretty. Nice people die, family members get cancer, and car wrecks sometimes happen.

God CAN and DOES use these terrible situations to bring honor and glory to His name and to draw His children to Him. However, I don't think it means you "bow down" to the terrible and tragic events in your life and the awful things that surround you. God did not cause the "bad thing" to happen. It does NOT need to be part of your story. We need to stand up and fight!

We need to be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that we can take our stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

We need to put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, we may be able to stand our ground, and after we have done everything, to stand!

God is ALL knowing and ALL powerful and ALL good! The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. God's plan IS abundant, FULL life. We need to speak those blessings OUT not the many curses that we subtly lay out and about for the enemy to take hold of. There is a lot of power in the things we say. Small things and big things. 

Consider ships. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. 

the Now...

I am a woman who requires a little more sleep than others. Always have. So right now, I am still in the catch up and tired stage of "mom-hood". I am looking forward to when Tuolumne gets 12 straight hours like Cap, but happy we only wake up once to eat and then back to sleep. We will get there soon I know.

I wish I could say everyday we all wake up happy to be alive, with each other, and in good moods....but the truth is some days are just not so awesome. Sometimes I (or rather the kid 2) manages to get poop in my slipper, on the bed, and on my pants and it sums ups our moment. Other times we watch the sun rise all together from our living room and stare in amazement at all the variations of pink and orange that God has made. Sometimes we all laugh until our bellies hurt at the funny things Cap is doing or saying at that time.

More than anything right now, we are trying to be the salt of the earth. A light in the world. We are trying to seek Him and His righteousness. We are seeking mentors and those we can disciple. We are trying to teach and love our kids like crazy. We have a wild and dangerous family. I don't know what each of us will "do" one day, but we are focusing on the "who we will be".