I dreamed of being a mother since I am pretty sure my brother Bryce came home from the hospital. Being the only girl with 3 brothers left me being a motherly tom boy I guess you could say. Bryce and Collin would probably say it just left me to be a bossy sister:)
I guess like everything else you haven't done in life you have this idea and picture in your head of what that will look like. I had 41 weeks to dream about this little human that was being fashioned inside of me. I pictured how our first days would look like, what we would do on our first warm spring day, and how our summer would be look like with the kid strapped to me as I worked at a boys summer camp.
I had a more than great pregnancy. I loved just about all of it! What a great purpose to grow a child inside of you. Than the whole labor thing came. I was as ready as you could be not ever having gone through with it. I was excited to see my body do its thing! Well, this is what it looked like in a nutshell.
March 10
3am: can no longer sleep through contractions
12pm: contractions are 3-5 minutes apart, I am cleaning house not knowing when the next time I can
6::30pm: head to hospital
11:00pm: dr. broke my water
March 11
6:00am: must push! they see his head immediately.
9:30am: i am (very politely i am sure) asking for another option since we weren't getting anywhere
dr. leaves to do emergency c-section, i refused to push and lay on my side. however, i couldn't stop pushing and instead started screaming bloody murder into my pillow because of the pain.
10:30am: dr. suggest we give the vacuum a 3 contraction try and from there an emergency c-section. we then had to do a partial epidural. i bawled since i has gone that far without one. oh well, bring it on.
11:20am: 5 pushes and 1 funny looking head later the boy arrives. we are exhausted but stoked! thankful the wait was over and we were all together.
Then recovery. I think I would have rather have done labor twice then to have the recovery I did. It was miserable to say the least. I have never hurt that bad in my life. I felt so terrible and hurt so bad, and I felt like I was constantly being told how lovely motherhood was. At the time, though I know everyone meant well, but I just wanted to scream. It hurt to walk, sit, go to the bathroom, live.
6 months later, I finally hit that moment where I didn't feel miserable all the time. But it was a LONG time before I felt like my body was at its "New Normal". Not feeling good really effected "motherhood" for me in those first months. I feel like I got cheated a bit with infancy. Though I do have some great memories or Cap during that time, it just dampened it.
You know that warm spring day I had dreamed about and what we would do together. Well it finally came. My plan: my sweet newborn laying on a blanket in the grass while I planted flowers and worked on our flower beds. Well, 2 minutes into my plan, Cap is crying, my hands were already filthy and covered in dirt, tried tons of things to make him happy with hanging out while I worked, but he was not so into it. My plan was ruined. We went inside and I tried to figure out what I was supposed to do all day by myself with this little newborn.
I figured out quickly that infancy might not be something that came so natural for me.
to be continued...
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