1 Year Ago Today

For me, today is just today. 1 year ago today, I didn't wake up in the middle of the night and need to perform CPR on my spouse. I didn't get up one morning and have my mom disappear. I didn't helplessly drive to another state while my only daughter with possible no brain function was fighting to live. 1 year ago today I did not almost loose a sister or a friend. I didn't have to hurry and clean a huge mess that the paramedics left behind before my grandson woke up. I also didn't see the empty ER that looked so trashed you would have thought a tornado had hit. I can't tell you where I was or how I felt when I heard the news 1 year ago today.

No. I was asleep.

I can tell you bits and pieces of other things though that happened in the days and weeks that followed. I really enjoyed ordering food from the menu at the hospital. I guess I only remember doing it a few times, but to be able to pick whatever you wanted and NOT have to fix or clean it up was some sort of mom miracle. It is probably the second thing I remember most after waking up.

At some point, my wobbly body got up to go to the bathroom. I was so weak but didn't think too much about it. I went to wash my hands and looked up at myself in the mirror...wow! I laughed a little, then poked at my face and mouth which was sagging and dropping in funny ways. I shrugged my shoulders a little bit and then got back into my awesome hospital bed like everything was normal.

I remember other days. I remember every time I was told that I shouldn't have anymore kids. Tuolumne wasn't even a month old the first time I heard this news. It was always done with a smile and in almost this non-shalant way. "Hey young momma with that baby fresh out of your womb, no more kids for you". Honestly, I wanted to punch the 'news-bearer' in the face every time I heard it. For everyone else, I was a raised from the dead case. No matter our family plan for more kids or not, it hurt.

Then I realized I was this stay-at-home mom who has been told no more kids and an ultra-marothoner with an ICD (heart defibrillator). It was strange. Every doctor's appointment was encouraging for my family and friends, but I left every time very discouraged, beat and very confused.

Then I spent weeks and months trying to put the pieces together. Asking questions that had already been answered. I kept thinking if I figured it out I would feel better about it all. I really felt like I was alone. My family had gone through this huge event, but I missed it completely. Yet I went through this huge thing, and no one could understand my insides. I couldn't understand my insides.

As months went by there were many praises along the way. Mostly little things, but goodness along the way. 

I remember the day I started to whistle again. It was Christmas. Up to that point only half of my mouth would move. It was exciting. I had such sweet moments with Cap as a baby staring at me in wonder as I made music come out of my mouth. Now I could whistle to Tuoly even if my left eye automatically closes while putting my mouth in the whistling position:)

I spent the winter mostly feeling in a drugged exhausted state. It was miserable and I know it was miserable to be around! I was on high doses of seizure medicine and beta blockers. I was up and down, irritable, angry for no reason, and constantly tired. I kept wondering if it was just having 2 kids or circumstances, but I kept going back to the medicine.

We were able to get on a slightly lower dose of seizure medicine in February. I didn't notice much of a change. We let time go by and finally called again in April. I begged to lower my dose once more! By May, I could tell a huge difference in my energy level. I went from being in bed 11-12 hours at night and laying down every afternoon while the kids napped (which is about 2 hours or so) to doing things during nap time and not having to lay down as soon as the kids went down at night. During their awake hours I had energy to read and play or go to the park. I could run and still know I would be able to make it through the day just fine. I finally started to feel like myself again, even though I still have some things to sort out in life!

It was in April when Tuolumne started to crawl that I felt better about not having anymore kids and being done with the baby stage in our family. I still get a little sad here and there, but it is a different and better feeling than before.

It was also in April when I felt I understood for the first time what happened 1 year ago today.
1. Postpartum Eclampsia
2. Cardiomyopathy
3. Long QT Syndrome
4. Low Potassium levels

Each one of those individually can be fatal, but I had them all. A storm brewing inside, trying to take me in my sleep. Until April, I never knew quite what to say when asked what had happened to me. I could talk all day about the toll it had on our family, but could never answer clearly to what "happened".

I do believe that my heart is healed. Jesus took ALL of our infirmities, sicknesses and diseases on Himself and put it on the cross. He was unrecognizable because disease is ugly inside and out. Eventually my heart scans and head scans will show that I am healed. Doctors will be puzzled and might even try to say they got it wrong. I don't know. They might remember all those days and nights my family gathered around me while I was sleeping laying hands on me and speaking health and life to my body. I will NOT bow down and accept sickness/ death. I think the moment one accepts it as God's path for their life... their purpose... some trial God is putting them through...it is at that moment the enemy goes from sleeping in a tent in your backyard to moving inside your house and taking over your room.

1 year later we are still a family full of dreams. Dreams full of 100 mile trail runs, long days in the mountains with our kids, and nights under the stars with the night life roaming around our sleep. Our hearts desire is to love those in the margins and to walk humbly with the Lord. Thank you for loving our family.

live wild and dangerously,
spesh

pictures from July 3, 2013
kids were well loved and taken care of!